What is My Life?

So, I woke up this morning completely confused. I thought to myself, "What the ___ is going on?" (fill in the blank accordingly). The reason why I had this moment of confusion was because I was completely shocked at the crazy phenomenon that is my life. I have been living in a foreign country for four months, I am getting a masters degree, and so many other things are different in my life that I can't even explain them all. I just felt that I had to take a minute and really think about all this so that I can fully appreciate things. I realize that I can get caught up in the craziness that is life, and I don't really give myself the chance to step back and really look at what's going on around me. Its amazing!

I am about to leave for Italy on Saturday to visit my cousins, and I am so happy to see them! I think that stepping away from London for a while will be a really good thing for me since I've had to deal with so much stress over the past couple of months. I will be away from London for a whole month. Its very strange to think about being away from a place that you've gotten use to for that long. I remember being sad about leaving Los Angeles for Christmas break from LMU, but I feel like this may be slightly worse. I know I'm going to be so happy while I'm home, and I'm going to get to spend time with all of my family and friends back there, but I also know that I'm really going to miss it here as well. That may become slightly painful (emotionally painful), especially towards the end of my time at home. The only solution to this problem that I can think of is to keep busy. I have to read my own books, read books for school, hang out with my friends and family as much as physically possible, and watch a lot of movies. Isn't my life so difficult? Don't worry, I was being sarcastic.

Public Transportation... and then some.

Being that my only means of transportation in this crazy city is public, I have been thinking about that a lot lately. I remember when I was in high school, living in New York City (a city equally as crazy, if not more so, than London), I really hated public transportation. I had to do it every single day, back and fourth to the same places over and over again. The 7 train was so incredibly excruciating, not to mention that I've been followed by creepy men no less than five times AND been beaten with a homeless man's cane (not as funny as it sounds). I just remember being so tired from the traveling that I didn't even want to go out because it was too much effort.

Here in London, on the other hand, I don't seem to mind it as much. Granted, I don't have to take the train or bus to school, which makes life a lot easier, but its not like I live super close to central London either. I pretty much have to take the bus and train to hang out with my friends, go shopping, get my haircut, go to the grocery store, and do anything really worth while. Maybe I don't mind it much because I don't really have to do it everyday, but its not like its a picnic either, so I don't really know why I don't mind it as much as I did back in high school.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I do get frustrated by the fact that at least one of the lines I usually take on weekends are closed every single week, they are constantly delayed/don't come when they are scheduled to, or they're overcrowded beyond belief. Okay fine, I'm still not a big fan of public transportation, but honestly, I'd rather stand on a packed train that's moving than sit in traffic for over an hour. True story.

On a side note, I got my first London haircut today! 

This is what I wanted...

..

...and this is what I got.

So... not a big fan of the hair stylist that I had. He was very nice and very informative, but when I asked him to cut my bangs shorter, he flat out said, "Well, I'm only cutting it this much more, and I'm not going any shorter than that. I don't think you'll be happy if I do." I wanted to be like, "DUDE! I asked for it shorter. I think I'd be happy if I got what I asked for. I mean, c'mon." Its not like I was asking for him to make them look like this:

Anyway, maybe I'll like it better when I style it myself. That usually happens to me. I'll just have to get my bangs trimmed when I go home in December, which is still SO LONG from now!!! On the other hand, I can't even believe that its Thanksgiving next week!!! I'm sort of nervous about it, though because I've never hosted Thanksgiving before! I feel like I'm Monica from Friends or something. Come to think of it, I kind of am like her. I like things neat, I like to cook, and I have brown hair! Well, I guess a lot of people can relate to her then, but still, I've definitely always felt like more of a Monica than a Rachel or a Phoebe. I digress... the point is that I'm really nervous about cooking Thanksgiving dinner for like 15 to 20 people and I've never cooked Thanksgiving dinner on my own before. AH! At least I will have the help and support of my roomies (or flatties, I guess) and one of my bestestest friends ever, Blair Brown!!!

That's right! I have my first visitor in London coming in TWO DAYS!!! Blair and Stephen (her boyfriend) are coming from San Fran to London on Thursday, and I can't contain my excitement! We have so many fun things planed too! Firstly, we're going to Koko on Friday (this Indie club in Camden), then we're making Thanksgiving dinner together, and then we're going to Oxford next Saturday, and I've never been there before! WOO! So many fun things to look forward to and distract me from the pain in my stomach that I have from thinking about my assessment on the 1st and 2nd of December. Can't wait!

Wanderer...

Thought I'd share this... I love it so much!

I'm Back!

I realize that I've been M.I.A. for the past month or so, and I just want to officially say that I'm back! I'm sure that most of you reading this knew that I was alive and still living in London, and even though most of you know what I've been up to (some in great detail), I still feel the need to give a very general, non-descriptive overview as well.

So, what have I been doing? Well, let's see... I've been practically living at Laban, performing ridiculously complicated choreographic tasks, reading extremely cryptic dance literature, finding excuses to wear fake-hipster glasses, spending lots of quality time with my fellow MA Choreography (a.k.a. MAC) peers, and finally, losing my appreciation for the TFL due to the multiple tube and DLR weekend closures that coincidentally interfered with ALL my plans. So, in a nutshell, I've been kind of busy. I have also gone right back into my lovely habits of procrastination that I had weirdly forgotten about during that year between undergrad and grad school, hence, me writing this blog. What I actually should be doing right now is planning my rehearsal coming up in two hours, but... meh.

During this one month blog hiatus, I have also managed to schedule some pretty awesome "holidays" during the next two terms, which I am so excited about. Beginning on December 10th, I am going to be a traveling machine (not to be confused with a time traveling machine... which would be pretty sweet, but not gonna happen). From December 10-17th, I'm going to Sicily to visit my cousins (YAY!), then I come back to London for three days, and then I hop right back on a plane to New York for two and a half weeks. So, after all of the family traveling ends, I head back over to London on January 6th to begin my 2nd term at Laban!

Now, one may think, "Christina, that's already a lot of traveling! You're probably done for a while once you return to London, right?" and to that I would say, "HELL NO!" A few weeks after I return to London, my friends and I are traveling to Oslo for the weekend, then in February we're going to Paris to visit another friend, then in March I'm going to Stratford-upon-Avon with some MAC people, at the end of March we're going skiing in the Italian Alps, and THEN at the end of June we're going to Peru! There are also a few trips that I have yet to plan with my MAC people. I don't think I have ever traveled this much in such a short period of time in my entire life! This is honestly a dream come true, and I think that I am in such a good mood (despite some things that should actually be bringing my mood down quite a bit) because I am so excited about life right now!

First of all, the traveling that I will be doing coming up very soon is a huge life goal of mine that I am finally getting to achieve. Secondly, Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming up, and this is my absolute favorite time of year! I know, they don't celebrate American Thanksgiving in England, but I don't even care because I am already planning a really awesome Thanksgiving feast for some of my favorite people in the whole wide world! I, of course, will be greatly missing my entire family on this day, but the thought that I will be seeing them very soon for Christmas (my absolute favorite holiday) makes me feel so much better! Anyway, I am just in one of those extremely hopeful moods, and I am really trying to keep myself that way. The last thing that I want to do is fall back into my funk, which ultimately did not allow me to keep up with my blogging.

It feels good to be back! Now, onwards and upwards!!! YAY!

Can't Sit Still...

I have come to the conclusion today that I don't know how to relax. I always have to be doing something, eating something, reading something, watching something, something, ANYTHING all the time. I don't know how to take a day and just sit at home. It honestly stresses me out when I have nothing to do, and I don't know if its just because I'm in London, and I feel like I need to enjoy every minute while I'm here, or if its because that's just the type of person I am. I feel like there's a slight possibility that I may be insane.

*These are some examples of my insanity.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anyway, I just don't really know how to slow myself down, or maybe I don't really want to. I want to try everything, do everything, see everything, meet everyone (well, maybe I don't want to meet everyone, but I do want to meet more people than I know right now). Even when I'm tired, I always feel like I have to push through so that I can keep going. Then, of course, there are those moments where I completely pass out from exhaustion and then I wake up extremely confused as to what's going on. I am guessing something like this may occur tomorrow after my morning technique class, so maybe I should just plan on taking a nap. Although, the only problem with planning a nap is that when I lay down and say that I'm actually taking the time out to sleep for a while, I never end up falling asleep. Its only when I really don't have time for it at all that I accidentally fall sleep. Its a vicious cycle.

Tomorrow is my second week of graduate school, and I get tired just thinking about it. Mondays and Tuesdays for me are my lightest days of my four day school week because I only have technique class  in the morning, but then Wednesdays and Thursdays are killer! I go from so early in the morning all the way into the evening, and I just get so drained by the end of it. A part of me doesn't like that and, of course, the crazed wanting-to-be-busy-all-the-time me enjoys it. That insane stress-craving me wants the entire week to be non-stop class all day long! Its like I'm a glutton for punishment. On one hand, its very nice having class only two days a week, but on the other hand, I definitely could use something else. Possibly a job? But in order for me to have a job here, I need something called a "National Insurance Number," which is the equivalent to the social security number back in the States, and I haven't sorted that out yet. So, I have to wait... but I hate waiting. I want to be busy, and I want to be busy now. I'm even having a hard time focusing on this blog right now. I can't sit still, and I can't think of only one thing because I always have to have a million and one thoughts running through my head. Honestly, is there something wrong with me? There probably is. Ehh... maybe I'll go write some postcards, or make a sandwich, or run around my apartment. Oh, geez.

CHEESE!

Its so difficult to take pictures! It was so different when my parents were here and I was taking pictures of all the touristy things that we did, but now that I'm no longer doing touristy things because I'm no longer a tourist, I've stopped taking pictures. I feel like I'm really bad about remembering to take my camera with me when I go out, and when we had people over two weekends ago and I did remember to take out my camera, it wasn't charged! I feel like I'm missing out of the documentation of my first month in London, although... sometimes I feel that pictures aren't the best documentation tool either.

For me, pictures represent a certain moment in time that was captured to display a certain sentiment that was felt at that time. Most pictures are taken of happy moments because no one really wants to remember a time that they were unhappy or in some sort of pain. So... if you're having a terrible time somewhere and you look back on your pictures from that time, it'll be difficult to remember the pain you suffered because all you have to remember are images of the happy moments. For instance, when I studied in Paris for a month and a half, the overall impression that I got from the trip was that I really didn't have the best time. I had a bad experience with my roommate, I did not enjoy the locals since they really did not treat me (Americans in general) very nicely no matter how respectful I tried to be, and I did not particularly like the atmosphere of the city. I felt that it was a bit dark and Gothic for my taste, which creates for somewhat of an unwelcoming vibe that I've never been too fond of. Now, don't get me wrong, there were a lot of aspects of Paris that were very beautiful and that I really did enjoy, and I spent most of my time there with a group of three other girls who I absolutely love, but I just did not have the best time I could have possibly had while studying abroad for the first time. Now, although I definitely had a negative impression of my time there, if I were to have my memory completely erased meaning that I would only have the pictures of Paris to refer back to, I would only see the happy moments that I captured. Obviously, I would then come to the conclusion that I had a fabulous time in Paris, which would clearly be a false representation of what actually happened.

Now, I'm not saying that I'm going to go around taking pictures of all the bad and stressful situations that I go through here or when I get sick (like today). I am saying that maybe I should think of a way that allows me to remember both the good and the bad sentiments of my experience here. I don't want to be deceived when I'm like 65 years old and this trip is a distant memory. I'd like to remember when I got a migraine while shopping on Oxford Street and how I felt like I was going to vomit the entire train ride home.... uhhh, come to think of it, maybe I should just stick with my happy pictures.

What Is Going On?

I don’t feel like I’m studying abroad. This is a very strange feeling, but it is almost as if my experiences in New York and Los Angeles have both come together to form some sort of parallel universe. Let me explain. So, in New York, I had the typical metropolitan city life of traveling on the train everywhere with a lot of people set in a very hectic atmosphere (my version of NYC before I left for college). In Los Angeles, I had the typical college experience where I spent all my time with friends and they had to practically become my family. Now, take those two examples and combine them. I’m having a college-life experience set in a metropolitan city... and I play golf! What’s that about? Well, I guess I’ve played golf twice, but still... I’ve never played golf before, who am I?

Anyway, I just feel almost as if I’ve taken two very important chapters of my life, combined them, and created a brand new chapter. It definitely makes sense why I would feel this way since London is a city very similar to NYC, and I’m living with and spending time with people who I met while living in LA, but I’m still waiting for something completely and utterly new. I want to experience new and exciting, not old and familiar. Don’t get me wrong, its not like I’m having a bad time. I really love it here, and I love all my friends, but I’m still waiting. I know its coming, and I know that I got a little taste of it last night when I went to dinner with some fellow grad students from Trinity Laban. Graduate school is going to be my ticket to new and exciting... I think.

There is a slight possibility that it’ll be just like the LMU dance department, which would make me very unhappy because I’ve been there and done that, and its not really something I want to do again. I want to be challenged artistically. I want to do something with my choreography that I’ve never done before! I want to be changed. I’m so ready.

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy...

Today I had my first official meeting for school, and I can honestly say that I'm so excited to start! I never ever thought I'd ever say that in my whole life, but its true! I really think that its going to be a great experience! Well, I know its going to be a great experience, but I think I'm actually going to enjoy myself as well, which is something that I never use to be able to do while studying in school. I always thought of school as a painful, boring, monotonous experience that I just had to get through in order to survive in the real world, but NOW its something that I actually want to do.

It was such a strange feeling to walk into that classroom today because it was like I stepped into a parallel universe. I was just so happy to be there, where as I would usually associate classrooms with horror and dread. Today, on the other hand, it was like I was another person. I had somewhat of an outer-body experience. I just hope that I am able to keep this type of wide-eyed optimism about it throughout the entire year because it'll definitely make it a lot easier to get through than high school and undergrad was. I mean who knows? After my first day of class I could totally hate it, although that's highly unlikely due to the fact that just learning about the origins of the school today was exciting to me. It actually made me want to take more classes where as the "old" me would've definitely wanted to take as little as possible. I wonder what other things this "new Christina" will be up for... hmmm....

Anyway, I'm excited to find out. It just amazes me how happy I am here overall. I have no idea what it is or why it happened, but I think I'm happy. Yes, of course there are stresses that I get angry or cranky about, but that usually fades pretty quickly. Then I'm just right back to happy. Maybe because its all new and exciting. Maybe its because I'm not on a schedule yet. Maybe its just because I want to be happy. I mean, I don't ever remember not wanting happiness for myself, but it could possibly be that I'm finally in a place (mental place, not physical place) where I can achieve happiness. Well anyway, I don't know what it is, but all I know is that I want it to stay this way. I know nothing is forever, even happiness, but if only it could be.

A Little Loneliness Never Hurt Anybody, Right?

Being alone in this huge apartment is very strange. I am sort of conflicted in a way because on one hand, I’m slightly nervous that something bad will happen, and I’ll have no one to turn to for help or support, and on the other hand...well truthfully, its kind of nice. I’ve always been somewhat of a loner, but not to the point of where I don’t like being social. I love spending time with friends, hanging out, going out, traveling with friends, etc., but sometimes I just like having peace and quiet by myself. Now, don’t get me wrong, there’s no way in hell that I can go without interacting with people for more than a day; two days is the absolute maximum, and that’s pushing it, but I honestly am not one of those people who has to have human interaction every single second of the day.

Over the past seven days, I really haven’t been alone as much as I originally thought I would be. I am lucky enough to have friends that live in London, so I was able to hang out with them, and they were kind enough to show me around in some areas, which was absolutely great (excuse the run-on sentence please). When I was alone though, I pretty much just did the things that I normally would have done if I were home alone in NY or LA. I watched my favorite TV shows online, I slept, I cleaned (not as much as I should have, which is why I have a lot of catching up to do today on that one), I shopped a little, I wrote in my journal, and I cooked! The only thing I didn’t do was read. I don’t know why I didn’t read. Its kind of out of character for me, but I just haven’t been in a focused enough mood lately. Even on the tube, I picked up an awful magazine called “The Stylist,” and I tried to read a few articles about feminist issues in the UK (you know, right up my alley), but I just couldn’t get through some of them. I’m guessing it may have been because it was a pretty bad magazine, and they had a lot of information printed that I actually found to be incorrect, and I think it frustrated me. I do have my Kindle though, and I’m going to have a pretty long journey tomorrow from Greenwich all the way to Heathrow to get Mariel and Kristin, so I’m thinking that I’ll just bring that.

Anyway, my lonely period of time has come to an end, and I have to say, although I enjoyed it, I’m not at all sad to see it go. I’m ready to have roommates again, and so excited to get this year rolling.

I wrote this yesterday...

So... I’m in London. I’m living in a fairly new apartment building on the border of a really nice area and a not so great area of London. I like to consider the apartment as being in the nicer area of town because it makes me feel better about things. It may not be right in the center of everything, but I think that its a pretty decent distance to most of it, and considering the other options in our budget, it was a pretty good choice. Its actually a pretty big apartment too. Its a duplex with three bedrooms, two and a half bathrooms, fully furnished, new kitchen with all modern appliances including a stove top, oven, big fridge/freezer, dishwasher, and washer/dryer combo machine. There’s also a bus stop right outside the door, a major rail station like two blocks away and a DLR station a four minute walk in the other direction. Another thing that’s good is that there’s a really cute pub down the street that has free wifi, which I’ll definitely be using until I get internet in my apartment.

My parents have been living here with me for the past two weeks, and I am patiently awaiting the arrival of my two roommates, Mariel and Kristin. I just can’t even believe that I’m here. Finally! I have been waiting for this moment for so long, and now its finally here. This may sound a little crazy, but I still don’t think its hit me yet that I’m going to be living here for at least a year. Living here. I’m living in London. I moved to another country, and I’m living in London. This adventure will check off two of my major life goals. One being that I am living in a country other than the United States, and two being that I’m getting a Master’s degree. There’s not much left on my life goals list other than to visit every continent in the world, write a book, get married, and have children. I’m knocking off two major life goals in the matter of one year. That’s one pretty significant year! I am going to remember this for the rest of my life. I am going to share my pictures and stories from this journey with my children and grandchildren someday. This is pretty huge.

The only thing that I’m truly nervous about is letting it slip away too quickly. I have a terrible tendency to stress and worry about everything, and I worry my time away. I don’t want to do that here. I want to enjoy every moment that I have, so that I can remember every little bit. I want it to last because this is once in a lifetime.

London... Day 4

So... tired. Its such a strange feeling to be tired, but my body hasn't adjusted to the time change yet, so I don't want to sleep when I know that I have to. Its day four in London, and my stress level is just now starting to calm down. I also don't want to eat at the right times either, so that's been fun. I'm hoping that I adjust eventually, but at this rate, who knows if that'll actually happen. We just had dinner at this place in Kennsington called "Maggie Jones's," and it was pretty good. I had chicken and artichoke pie, and I really liked it. So far, we've only eaten at two places where the food wasn't great. Other than that, it really hasn't been that bad. I guess the last time I was here, we were on a strict budget, so we didn't really go to the places that my parents and I are going to now. When they leave, its probably going to go back to either crap food, or cooking for myself. I hope that I have time to cook for myself because my guess is that I'm probably going to be extremely busy, which means that I'm probably out of luck on that one. Oh well, it doesn't really matter if I eat good food, as long as I eat, that's all that matters. I'm going to be walking a lot and dancing more than I have in over a year, so I'm going to definitely need nourishment. I'll hopefully be moving into my apartment on Tuesday, so I won't have internet until I set it up, and who knows when that'll happen. That means I may not be able to post an update for a while, but hopefully it won't be too long.

I'm Here!

So, I'm in London. Man, am I stressed out! I mean, I wouldn't have expected this to be easy peezie (peezie?), but I never expected it to be as difficult as its been. I'm not going to burden you all with all my stress and aggravation causing issues, but I am going to tell you that its honestly been no picnic. The only thing that's keeping my head up is the fact that I am rekindling my love for London. Before I got here, the idea that the only reasons why I love London is because of the touristy areas and the fact that I just plain-old love being on vacation. After being here for the past two days, I've been working my patootie off (patootie?) trying to find an apartment, and I definitely have not done anything touristy other than walking by Big Ben once for less than ten minutes. Its amazing that after all of that and thinking about the stress of what's to come, I can still say that I know I made the right decision in coming here. I really feel like this is what I'm supposed to be doing. Its a weird feeling, and I didn't even have that when I moved to LA, but here is different. It may still be a little (OK a lot) scary to think about living here on my own after being in the comforts and stability of my home for the past year, but the feeling of happiness will most definitely outweigh all that. Of course I'm still nervous, stressed, busy, blah, blah, whatever, but I know it'll pass and then I'll be OK. Probably more than OK.

Procrastination Isn’t Good When You’re Running Out of Time

I don’t want to be this way, I really don’t, but I honestly can’t do anymore packing! I have  most of the stuff that I am taking with me to London sitting in piles on my bed, I have empty luggage sitting in my hallway, and I have most of my other clothes and stuff in plastic bins downstairs (completely out of my way). If I just put all this stuff in the luggage, I’ll have so much more space in my room right now, which will give me a little more breathing room to get the rest of the stuff packed up to go to Pennsylvania. So why don’t I just do that? Why am I sitting here writing this blog instead?

I have to wake up early tomorrow to speak with my realtor in London, call my insurance company to check up on the status of receiving my 90 day supply of my prescriptions, and go to a hair appointment, so I need to get some rest, but its almost 9PM, and I’m sitting here NOT packing. Procrastination is a disease. A disease that I unfortunately have a very severe case of. I honestly don’t mean to procrastinate, and the last thing I want to do is wait until the night before I leave to pack, but I am paralyzed by procrastination. I can’t move. All I can do is sit here and look for random nonsense on the internet and/or watch truly bad television that I normally wouldn’t even consider watching.

I gotta get up...OK, I packed. I fit all the stuff that I have ready so far into two large suitcases, one medium, and one small. The valuable and irreplaceable items, such as my laptop and jewelry, are coming with me in my carry on luggage. I just can’t believe this is happening so fast. I just hope that all the pieces of this sort of complicated puzzle all fall into place within the next two weeks or less. Less would be great!

How do you pack for a year?

I packed one suitcase the other day to bring to London because I figured, “I might as well get a head start, right?” So, in the suitcase, I put sweaters, coats, boots, sweatpants and other similar items that I am obviously not wearing now because its the middle of the Summer in NYC (about that time of year when I want to rip my skin off because its so hot). So, as of now, those items are all set and ready to go! But what about the rest? How much of it will I be tempted to bring just because I want it, and how much of it do I actually need?

For instance, do I really need to bring ALL of my leggings? I definitely wear them a lot for dance and everyday, but do I really need them all, or should I only bring a few? Why do I have so many pairs of leggings in the first place? These are the dilemmas that I am facing. I know that they are not really anything to cry about, but I seriously don’t know what I’m going to need and what I’m going to be tempted to buy while I’m there. If there’s one thing I learned from getting my Bachelor’s degree on the west coast its that I definitely came home with much more than when I first left. The main reason why I truly felt the magnitude of the multiplication of crap that I accumulated was because I had to pack it all in a total of 13 large boxes and a car trunk and ship everything completely on my own. Then when I arrived in NY, there it was. A pile of crap packed into 13 smashed up boxes, which I then had to go through and unpack within a matter of one week. It was one of the most painful, tiring, and excruciating experiences of my life, which is only challenged by the current experience of “re-moving” all the crap that I had unpacked a year ago into storage so that my parents can downsize and I can move to London. Its making my head hurt just thinking about it.

As I sit here with my laptop on a mattress on the floor because my bed frame is already at the Pennsylvania house, all I can do is stare. Stare at the piles of clothes that no longer have the safety of shelter in their drawers (also already in PA), stare at the closet still filled with stuff that I don’t know if I’m bringing with me or not, and stare at the blank walls that were once, not too long ago, decorated with pictures and posters of things that make me happy. I’m tired of packing, but I know that it has to be done. I’m not ready to settle in one place and just be there forever. Who knows if I ever will be?

The only thing I do know right now is that I really am having a hard time with this packing thing. I have too much stuff and I don’t want to get rid of it because guess what... its MINE! I have an abnormal attachment to stuff, and I feel that if I don’t bring enough of my clothes, I’m going to miss them. Well, I guess its time to google “packing tips” again. Maybe I’ll find something new that I don’t already know. Doubt it.

What If London Doesn't Like Me?

As the time gets closer to the commencement of my journey, I am beginning to build up a minor complex. Starting to get excited by the endless amount of possibilities, I am looking into unexpected cultural feats and other ways that I can immerse myself into London and become a true local. Although the idea of becoming a real Londoner is exciting, in reality, I'll be yet another expatriate fascinated by the European architecture and Royal history of my short-lived-new home. Although there's probably somewhere close to 200,000 Americans living in the United Kingdom (maybe even more), I'm still afraid that I won't be accepted by London. What if London doesn’t like me?

Okay, that question may be a little immature considering the estimated population of Greater London is about 8 million people. I’m most certainly not trying to win the affections of 8 million individuals, but I can’t help being slightly self-conscious about this issue. Aside from worrying about the safety of my new home, the exorbitant cost of living, having to suffer through excessively long commutes, and the state of my general well-being, I am absolutely still concerned about fitting in. I don’t want to end up sitting home alone on a Saturday night, watching True Blood, and wishing I had a social life (yes, I’m bringing my True Blood DVDs. A little piece of home isn’t too much to ask).

I’ve never been much of an extrovert, and moving to a new city requires a certain amount of that in order to meet new people. The problem with pretending to be an outgoing person is that once you make friends and they get to know the “real you,” they are then confronted with the fact that you are actually, well, kind of shy. Then you risk losing the friends that you’ve already made, and you have to start all over again. There’s also the option of practicing the art of extroversion enough to truly become a gregarious type of person, which I’m assuming is the route I will eventually have to succumb to since I’m not interested in deceiving anyone about my true self. Now, although that sounds all well and good, this path would require me to change my personality, and that doesn’t sound appealing either.

So, that brings me full circle back to my original problem. Will I make friends or will I be disliked for being the shy American girl? Then again, this may not be a problem at all being that I’ll probably have to spend most of my time working or in school. So I guess what I really should be concerned about is the issue of possibly not having any free time at all. Instead of being home on a Saturday night with True Blood, I’ll be home on a Saturday night with my text books. Great! Just great!

"Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey-ey, goodbye"

"How lucky I am to have known someone who was so hard to say goodbye to." -Unknown

I never thought that saying goodbye to my friends at work would be so sad. Don't get me wrong, I am no stranger to goodbyes. I have experienced the extreme pain that I often feel when I have to say goodbye to my family and friends for long periods of time. I even know what it feels like to say the ultimate goodbye to a best friend who passed away at far too young, but the truly awful part of it all is that it never ever gets easier. No matter what the severity of the goodbye is or how close you are to the person you are leaving, coping with the pain never eases up.

For instance, I have been working at my part-time retail job for almost ten months. Technically, I didn't start becoming friends with my managers and co-workers until a couple of months ago because I tend to be a shy person, and it takes me a while to warm up to people sometimes. This means that our relationships had never gotten to the point where I would see them outside of work, and we only really bonded over work related issues and events. I mean we would talk about our outside lives and discuss what we were up to when we weren't working at the store, but we never took it to the next level. So, for ten months, I bonded with these people to a certain extent. Today, I had to say goodbye to one of my managers and three of my co-workers, one of which I bonded with more than the other two. Now even though I don't feel the same amount of attachment to them as I do to my parents (for obvious reasons), I still felt really sad afterwards. Even though my everyday life isn't really going to change from not seeing them, I still am really disheartened by the prospect that I am really not going to see these people anymore. I have made connections with them. I have touched their lives and they have touched mine, no matter how small the impact may be, I will not see them anymore. I am leaving the country. And this of course brings me to think about the fact that I'm going to be leaving my family and a few friends as well due to this major move in my life. It THEN reminds me of how difficult it was when I left my best friends in college after we graduated, and how it still pains me everyday that we can't spend time together as we use to. Its a terrible, awful, vicious and unstoppable cycle.

On the other hand, saying goodbye just makes those hellos that much sweeter. After one hasn't seen a person for a while, seeing her/him again is such a happy feeling. It makes all the pain from the initial goodbye completely disappear. In some cases, like with close friends or family, one can almost pick up right where she/he left off, and it feels like she/he never said goodbye at all. I know that it may never feel that way with my work friends, but I honestly will do my very best to really keep in touch with the people that I connected with. Of course its difficult because everyone has their own crazy and busy lives to deal with, but I'd really like to think that I can make it happen this time. 

Orangutans, bleeh...

Whenever I start to worry about something, I often lose sleep, get anxious, act irrationally towards others, become slightly ill, and I no longer have an appetite. Its great... no really, its excellent. It happens when I have performances, doctors' appointments, deadlines, and you know, big events such as those. This usually is acceptable for people because big events don't really occur on an everyday basis. They are able to handle losing sleep, getting anxious, acting out, being ill, and not wanting to eat because it doesn't happen so often.  For me, its been happening every single day for the past seven months. What is wrong with me? Really?

I have this doctor's appointment for that health problem, that doctor's appointment for this health problem, I get speeding tickets, supplementary fines for the original speeding ticket (that I didn't even know existed), AAA memberships automatically renewing themselves even though I cancelled it twice already, UK visa appointments here, there and everywhere, I have to call this person about apartments in London and confirming budgets, I have to tell my jobs (that's right, multiple jobs) that I have to quit because I'm leaving the country in six weeks,  have to figure out my health insurance for my multiple prescriptions so that I don't run out while I'm away, I have to help my parents find an apartment in Queens, I have to pack for London, I have to pack for storage, I have to pack for winter, spring, summer, fall, bananas, socks, pencils, orangutans,  bleeh, blah, bluuhh, blek... help me! 

The good news is that some problems are, in fact, solving themselves slowly. So, one would assume that once one issue is resolved, I'd be able to at least sleep a little bit better, right? Yeah, nope. I still can't sleep, and I'm having to take Unisom on a nightly basis in order to keep the dreams about my-teeth-falling-out and mice-coming-out-of-nowhere at bay.

All I know is that my Unisom is starting to kick in, and this whole expat thing better be worth it.

Wanderlust?

    I’ve been pretty obsessive lately about traveling the world, and upon my endless amounts of internet searches for anything travel related, I repeatedly came across the word “wanderlust.” At first, I was like, “What the ____ is that?” But after mulling it over a bit, I came to the conclusion that its a pretty cool sounding word, and I wanted to explore it further.

    “Wanderlust is a strong desire for or impulse to wander or travel and explore the world.” After learning that little tidbit of information from the always helpful Wikipedia, I  came to realize that I actually have an intense case of wanderlust. I can’t decide whether its a good or bad thing though. What causes wanderlust? Is it curable? No matter how much I actually get to travel in life, will I ever get over my wanderlust and be able to settle down?

    I know that the only way I’m going to find out is if I actually begin traveling again, and believe me, I’m definitely working on that, but it makes me sad to think that there’s a slight possibility that I’ll never be able to settle down. It would be pretty cool to become the next Samantha Brown, but I honestly don’t know how much she actually gets to see her family. Its disheartening to believe that I would have to make a choice between family and travel, but it seems that if everyone I love is settled somewhere and I’m going here, there, and everywhere, that I probably won’t get to see them as much as I would like.

    Isn’t there a way that I can have the best of both worlds? Better yet, is there a way that I can make enough money to support myself while having the best of both worlds? Seems like quite the conundrum, if I do say so myself.

    There’s also another issue that’s eating away at my insides, and that is the plain and simple fact that I want to do too many things! I want to be a choreographer, a dance teacher, a writer, a traveler, a travel journalist, a this, a that, a yada yada, blah blah, whatever, there’s so much to do and only so much time in a day! Plus, all of those things are making me zero dollars at this point, which is the exact opposite of what I need to do everything I want to do. I feel like a chicken without a head, running around in circles with one wing and no feathers. Ok, so that doesn’t really make any sense, but I feel like my life doesn’t really make much sense right now either. 

    That’s life in your early 20’s, I guess. Confusion, no money, and a serious case of wanderlust. Fun times. Yes, fun times, indeed.