Can't Sit Still...

I have come to the conclusion today that I don't know how to relax. I always have to be doing something, eating something, reading something, watching something, something, ANYTHING all the time. I don't know how to take a day and just sit at home. It honestly stresses me out when I have nothing to do, and I don't know if its just because I'm in London, and I feel like I need to enjoy every minute while I'm here, or if its because that's just the type of person I am. I feel like there's a slight possibility that I may be insane.

*These are some examples of my insanity.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anyway, I just don't really know how to slow myself down, or maybe I don't really want to. I want to try everything, do everything, see everything, meet everyone (well, maybe I don't want to meet everyone, but I do want to meet more people than I know right now). Even when I'm tired, I always feel like I have to push through so that I can keep going. Then, of course, there are those moments where I completely pass out from exhaustion and then I wake up extremely confused as to what's going on. I am guessing something like this may occur tomorrow after my morning technique class, so maybe I should just plan on taking a nap. Although, the only problem with planning a nap is that when I lay down and say that I'm actually taking the time out to sleep for a while, I never end up falling asleep. Its only when I really don't have time for it at all that I accidentally fall sleep. Its a vicious cycle.

Tomorrow is my second week of graduate school, and I get tired just thinking about it. Mondays and Tuesdays for me are my lightest days of my four day school week because I only have technique class  in the morning, but then Wednesdays and Thursdays are killer! I go from so early in the morning all the way into the evening, and I just get so drained by the end of it. A part of me doesn't like that and, of course, the crazed wanting-to-be-busy-all-the-time me enjoys it. That insane stress-craving me wants the entire week to be non-stop class all day long! Its like I'm a glutton for punishment. On one hand, its very nice having class only two days a week, but on the other hand, I definitely could use something else. Possibly a job? But in order for me to have a job here, I need something called a "National Insurance Number," which is the equivalent to the social security number back in the States, and I haven't sorted that out yet. So, I have to wait... but I hate waiting. I want to be busy, and I want to be busy now. I'm even having a hard time focusing on this blog right now. I can't sit still, and I can't think of only one thing because I always have to have a million and one thoughts running through my head. Honestly, is there something wrong with me? There probably is. Ehh... maybe I'll go write some postcards, or make a sandwich, or run around my apartment. Oh, geez.

CHEESE!

Its so difficult to take pictures! It was so different when my parents were here and I was taking pictures of all the touristy things that we did, but now that I'm no longer doing touristy things because I'm no longer a tourist, I've stopped taking pictures. I feel like I'm really bad about remembering to take my camera with me when I go out, and when we had people over two weekends ago and I did remember to take out my camera, it wasn't charged! I feel like I'm missing out of the documentation of my first month in London, although... sometimes I feel that pictures aren't the best documentation tool either.

For me, pictures represent a certain moment in time that was captured to display a certain sentiment that was felt at that time. Most pictures are taken of happy moments because no one really wants to remember a time that they were unhappy or in some sort of pain. So... if you're having a terrible time somewhere and you look back on your pictures from that time, it'll be difficult to remember the pain you suffered because all you have to remember are images of the happy moments. For instance, when I studied in Paris for a month and a half, the overall impression that I got from the trip was that I really didn't have the best time. I had a bad experience with my roommate, I did not enjoy the locals since they really did not treat me (Americans in general) very nicely no matter how respectful I tried to be, and I did not particularly like the atmosphere of the city. I felt that it was a bit dark and Gothic for my taste, which creates for somewhat of an unwelcoming vibe that I've never been too fond of. Now, don't get me wrong, there were a lot of aspects of Paris that were very beautiful and that I really did enjoy, and I spent most of my time there with a group of three other girls who I absolutely love, but I just did not have the best time I could have possibly had while studying abroad for the first time. Now, although I definitely had a negative impression of my time there, if I were to have my memory completely erased meaning that I would only have the pictures of Paris to refer back to, I would only see the happy moments that I captured. Obviously, I would then come to the conclusion that I had a fabulous time in Paris, which would clearly be a false representation of what actually happened.

Now, I'm not saying that I'm going to go around taking pictures of all the bad and stressful situations that I go through here or when I get sick (like today). I am saying that maybe I should think of a way that allows me to remember both the good and the bad sentiments of my experience here. I don't want to be deceived when I'm like 65 years old and this trip is a distant memory. I'd like to remember when I got a migraine while shopping on Oxford Street and how I felt like I was going to vomit the entire train ride home.... uhhh, come to think of it, maybe I should just stick with my happy pictures.

What Is Going On?

I don’t feel like I’m studying abroad. This is a very strange feeling, but it is almost as if my experiences in New York and Los Angeles have both come together to form some sort of parallel universe. Let me explain. So, in New York, I had the typical metropolitan city life of traveling on the train everywhere with a lot of people set in a very hectic atmosphere (my version of NYC before I left for college). In Los Angeles, I had the typical college experience where I spent all my time with friends and they had to practically become my family. Now, take those two examples and combine them. I’m having a college-life experience set in a metropolitan city... and I play golf! What’s that about? Well, I guess I’ve played golf twice, but still... I’ve never played golf before, who am I?

Anyway, I just feel almost as if I’ve taken two very important chapters of my life, combined them, and created a brand new chapter. It definitely makes sense why I would feel this way since London is a city very similar to NYC, and I’m living with and spending time with people who I met while living in LA, but I’m still waiting for something completely and utterly new. I want to experience new and exciting, not old and familiar. Don’t get me wrong, its not like I’m having a bad time. I really love it here, and I love all my friends, but I’m still waiting. I know its coming, and I know that I got a little taste of it last night when I went to dinner with some fellow grad students from Trinity Laban. Graduate school is going to be my ticket to new and exciting... I think.

There is a slight possibility that it’ll be just like the LMU dance department, which would make me very unhappy because I’ve been there and done that, and its not really something I want to do again. I want to be challenged artistically. I want to do something with my choreography that I’ve never done before! I want to be changed. I’m so ready.

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy...

Today I had my first official meeting for school, and I can honestly say that I'm so excited to start! I never ever thought I'd ever say that in my whole life, but its true! I really think that its going to be a great experience! Well, I know its going to be a great experience, but I think I'm actually going to enjoy myself as well, which is something that I never use to be able to do while studying in school. I always thought of school as a painful, boring, monotonous experience that I just had to get through in order to survive in the real world, but NOW its something that I actually want to do.

It was such a strange feeling to walk into that classroom today because it was like I stepped into a parallel universe. I was just so happy to be there, where as I would usually associate classrooms with horror and dread. Today, on the other hand, it was like I was another person. I had somewhat of an outer-body experience. I just hope that I am able to keep this type of wide-eyed optimism about it throughout the entire year because it'll definitely make it a lot easier to get through than high school and undergrad was. I mean who knows? After my first day of class I could totally hate it, although that's highly unlikely due to the fact that just learning about the origins of the school today was exciting to me. It actually made me want to take more classes where as the "old" me would've definitely wanted to take as little as possible. I wonder what other things this "new Christina" will be up for... hmmm....

Anyway, I'm excited to find out. It just amazes me how happy I am here overall. I have no idea what it is or why it happened, but I think I'm happy. Yes, of course there are stresses that I get angry or cranky about, but that usually fades pretty quickly. Then I'm just right back to happy. Maybe because its all new and exciting. Maybe its because I'm not on a schedule yet. Maybe its just because I want to be happy. I mean, I don't ever remember not wanting happiness for myself, but it could possibly be that I'm finally in a place (mental place, not physical place) where I can achieve happiness. Well anyway, I don't know what it is, but all I know is that I want it to stay this way. I know nothing is forever, even happiness, but if only it could be.

A Little Loneliness Never Hurt Anybody, Right?

Being alone in this huge apartment is very strange. I am sort of conflicted in a way because on one hand, I’m slightly nervous that something bad will happen, and I’ll have no one to turn to for help or support, and on the other hand...well truthfully, its kind of nice. I’ve always been somewhat of a loner, but not to the point of where I don’t like being social. I love spending time with friends, hanging out, going out, traveling with friends, etc., but sometimes I just like having peace and quiet by myself. Now, don’t get me wrong, there’s no way in hell that I can go without interacting with people for more than a day; two days is the absolute maximum, and that’s pushing it, but I honestly am not one of those people who has to have human interaction every single second of the day.

Over the past seven days, I really haven’t been alone as much as I originally thought I would be. I am lucky enough to have friends that live in London, so I was able to hang out with them, and they were kind enough to show me around in some areas, which was absolutely great (excuse the run-on sentence please). When I was alone though, I pretty much just did the things that I normally would have done if I were home alone in NY or LA. I watched my favorite TV shows online, I slept, I cleaned (not as much as I should have, which is why I have a lot of catching up to do today on that one), I shopped a little, I wrote in my journal, and I cooked! The only thing I didn’t do was read. I don’t know why I didn’t read. Its kind of out of character for me, but I just haven’t been in a focused enough mood lately. Even on the tube, I picked up an awful magazine called “The Stylist,” and I tried to read a few articles about feminist issues in the UK (you know, right up my alley), but I just couldn’t get through some of them. I’m guessing it may have been because it was a pretty bad magazine, and they had a lot of information printed that I actually found to be incorrect, and I think it frustrated me. I do have my Kindle though, and I’m going to have a pretty long journey tomorrow from Greenwich all the way to Heathrow to get Mariel and Kristin, so I’m thinking that I’ll just bring that.

Anyway, my lonely period of time has come to an end, and I have to say, although I enjoyed it, I’m not at all sad to see it go. I’m ready to have roommates again, and so excited to get this year rolling.